PARADIGM SHIFT

I am so glad I am free. I am so glad I am open. I am so glad I am me.

@Thanks for breaking up with me. Because if you didn't I wouldn't know there is a better person in me. I can't thank you enough.




@Thanks for coming to me every day even if it was irritating, now I know what you mean. And I feel I am a better instructor. Thanks for encouraging patience.

@Thanks for telling me your limitations. Wow, you are one great student. You are becoming my favorite. In fact, you are a clever one (unlike what you said). Thanks, my experience with you is very enriching. I am so glad for this opportunity to have you as a student.

"it feels really wonderful...thanks to you guys!!!"

You…I miss you.

It’s been a tough week.

I’ve felt again that my efforts were not even half of what’s good enough.

I’ve heard dissatisfactions and I find it difficult to digest, to accept.

You and I both know that I am not a poodle.

A thinking being, critical of almost anything that concerns me, that’s who I am.

Sometimes you criticize me for being too rational; I explain my feelings.

I didn’t even have to try to be a woman in front of you. You were amused of the fact that there was a child in me that only you could see. But there was also a woman in me that only you could touch.

You weren’t really jealous but you were protective.

There were times you knew I was in trouble, you would ask me if I am scared, I’d tell you “Of course not.”

It was only because I knew I had you.

Perhaps, as a person matures and becomes more emotionally stable, fear becomes a part of being human, it’s no longer a threat.

Here I am, suddenly missing you. Years have changed me. Experiences have honed me.

You’ll notice many things different in me, perhaps you won’t even recognize. Everybody sees the woman in me and almost none from the child. Aaah, only the deserving man will see the child in me, the real me and will be allowed to touch the woman you see.

Fear when constant is no longer fear, they are realistic woes, I believe. I have them because I am aware of my responsibilities. If you’d ask me, I am not really scared. I am hurt.

WHO NEEDS A LOVER??????

I am single. To be exact, I am a single mother.

No husband. No boyfriend. No lover. CLEAR.

My daughter and I sleep together on the week ends when I finally get to go home in our ancestral home in the island.

Last week, it was almost dawn, my daughter and I woke up at the same time because we both felt cold. It was raining through the night. We decided to use my blanket together because it is bigger and thicker. She always wants us to share a blanket.

When we went back to sleep, she placed one arm under my neck and the other was on my chest. We slept side by side. I was rubbing her arm to calm her down and she went back to slumber peacefully. As I was rubbing her arm, I realized how sweet and loving we are to each other. I then said to myself, "who needs a lover?". I believe this what makes me survive the hectic schedules and brain whacking demands from teaching back in the city. The pressures and the stress becomes a thing of the past whenever I am with my daughter.

I may not have a "somebody" that is wished by Depeche Mode in their song with the same title but I have a daughter who fills me with so much love. Boy, am I so lucky!!!!!

Evolution…a better definition to change and growth.

There’s only one type of stress in my life that I couldn’t really handle when it comes crashing me. Fortunately, it is also the easiest one to recognize and to find remedy. This stress is caused by situations when I already feel that I am not improving despite that I am pushing myself to improve my surrounding. I guess this is inevitable when a person is at this age.

Before proceeding this dissertation, I’d take this chance of explaining why one can’t proceed directly viewing this blog. It is not really a crucial change because I am not really someone who is so important that my thoughts would make relevance to other people’s lives. But, I’d like to emphasize that the change taking place at the moment is my change and so the blog and its content will also follow the same.

Now, I recognize what causes most of my rants. When you are at the age of 25 to 35, you want everything as much as possible stable. You don’t want anything to keep changing and changing because you don’t want to spend your time rearranging and modifying plans. It’s not about the fear of failure but it’s the fear of spending time in useless and hollow stuff. This is not the time when you can allow irreparable damages to happen.

This I believe is the beginning of a golden age for a woman like me. This stage is the time I know everything is my own; my decision, my hardwork, my money and my investment. Thus, it follows; my decision, my achievement and my mistakes, consequently my solution. It’s lovely, it gives a sense of power of which is very important for productive and pro-active people.

I am a mother, a teacher and a woman. These are my careers. I am an evolution of a child’s dream. Way back in my childhood and teenage hood, I dreamt of this feeling, that everything I do is meaningful, a contribution to something. As a single mother, I contribute to my child as she is also growing up and someday will become a person of her own life. As a teacher and a member of a growing company, I dedicate my hard work to develop my students, encourage and empower them to achieve whatever their goal in life. I am responsible for I am a part of a stepping stone for my students and the company. These in turn becomes a big part of my womanhood. As a woman, I am a growing being that keeps learning and from every lesson I reap adds an inch to that growth.

I have figured out that womanhood is not about looking good, smelling nice and coming out admirable for men. Womanhood is not even having a husband or a boyfriend, it is about going through the familiar and unfamiliar and gaining knowledge from experience. All these fuels confidence that makes a woman feel worthy of who and what she is.

To make this short, I’d like to declare that as I have conquered another critical level of stress, I am once more empowered and comes out confident that what I have is a meaningful life. Above all, I intend to live my golden age of freedom in bliss with these careers; as a mother, a teacher and a woman.

STRESS LEVEL CRITICAL!!!

Whoa!!!!

This is no longer something to be ignored. It must be my computer that runs slow on times I need it to perform fast or maybe it's because I need to know how more I can improve my skills. I know I am not anymore doing well, as smoothly as I did. At this age, everything should be planned, should be well organized for unpredictable circumstances has to be managed well.

Maybe, it is also because someone is lying to himself, or if he is'nt maybe I am the one who isn't enforcing anything. Well, I know for sure, I was always told about two things in life; the ones under my control and the ones that are not in my control. The only thing in my perimeter, the one I can change is myself. This is so sad.

Stress level...uh! CRITICAL!!!