A FAMILY WOMAN

I am joining the bats tonight, my favorite night creatures after I have got myself on board with Monfort Bat Conservation Foundation. Well, my head is pounding and of course my body clock and health consciousness is telling me to get at least three hours sleep, but I don’t want. I want to spend the night thinking, rationalizing at the same time feeling, to weight what really matters most in my life.

My daughter, my only family, her security is seem to be threatened because of all these shaky and scary things that had happened lately at the place I call a safe, quite, ideal and convenient for us to live. My maternal ancestral home in the island next to this city is my daughter’s home in the past year. I couldn’t afford to bring her back to the city to live with me yet, or so that’s what I want to believe because that is what I have been accustomed to. Night after night I pray that God will spare her from pain and harm. But is that all that I should do? I do believe in angels and I may not go to church but I do believe in a power beyond mine. However, as a mother as God’s co-creator of my daughter, I know I must do something. I am not superstitious but I do believe that life gives us sign to listen to and when we ignore them regrets come in the end.

And so I have been thinking, about all these. To get things clear, I’ll give a short background. A crime happened nearby and the people involved, both the victim and the suspect are just steps away from our main door. Though things somehow calmed down when the suspect left the sight of the place, I am not settled. However, another thing happened. My cousin on his way home at around 9:00 p.m. tonight was chased by motorcycle riding men. For what reason, no one exactly knows. My aunt said when I phoned her tonight that perhaps they are looking for a certain motorcycle driver. Whatever may be the reason, I am certain that the place is in an unstable state. And that place is where my daughter is.

I am here in the city, having a career as a teacher and working my way up to a sort of responsibilities in the company that is feeding my personal fulfillment, feeling like a career woman who is accomplishing what I have always wanted to do as a child. I am carrying a laptop, working as someone who is respected by people who wants to learn something that I am good at and I am juggling a lot of things testing my power and limits. I am part of a bat and nature conservation group, a ghost writer and a teacher. It’s not just the money, I am doing this to fill the empty spaces of pride and sometimes vanity. But look at it deeper, I may want this but I also don’t want to neglect the role I am supposedly playing excellently but coming out short.

I am a mother…

Yes, and I can say that I am a good one if not the best. I work hard to provide for her. I am planning our future and slowly trying to materialize them slowly. I don’t go out partying. I hug her when we sleep together on week end nights and I always exchange “I love yous” with my daughter openly. But then tonight as I did not let sleepiness disturb my night of contemplation, I have realized that I am not just a mother…in fact, I am a family woman. I am no longer a single mother, I am a family woman.

Fine, maybe it is just the choice of words but these words, this title, the “family woman” struck me tonight. Yes, it’s just me and my daughter. We love each other. And I commit to my responsibility as her mother, bestfriend and protector forever. That makes us a family. I am raising a family. It is me and my daughter, our family.

And so I have realized that, yes, my jobs are important; my roles and tasks are essential to my positions but none of them can equal the importance of my daughter, God’s gift to me.

Tonight, yes, I am sorry, I haven’t started everything that I am supposed and have promised to finish before sunset. I don’t know how am I gonna beat my brain and body to work on them but I know I must take time to realize things that are much more important. Tonight, I have also cancelled an important appointment that I am supposed to do after lunch today. I have informed our head teacher that I will leave work early today. I want to take steps to fulfill my promise to my family, my daughter. And truly, everything else seem not to matter when it comes to the one you love. More than a family to me, she is my beloved angel, the reason for me to live and working hard for to become the best. Seriously, I may make some inconsistencies someday but right now, I am writing this to remind me that it will be a big mistake and there is no else to blame but me if I don’t prioritize my family.

I am a very responsible person, though not flawless but I have set a priority. I am not waiting for the last minute buzzer or the time over before I wake up. I don’t want to regret anything. I will be the family woman my daughter needs me to be. Baby, I love you. Wait for mama.