I have been counting the days till 23rd and 26th. Christmas season this year is more than just gift-giving, celebration and vacation for me. It is my time to let go of something. Last year, at this same week I was having emotional turbulence due to my- someone special’s schedule to leave the country. I know on that day, the 26th marks the beginning of the question “Will I ever see him again?”. I couldn’t celebrate Christmas perfectly then, because I knew I had to face a “death without the possibility of resurrection” a day after that. I loved the guy. I was anticipating the pain of letting go than the joys of celebrating.
This is the main reason w
hy I am ardent to make it different and planned the 4 days of my Christmas break to its fullest. I want to be happy and stay away from the memories.
No, I am not going to talk about the pathetic Christmas I had last year.
My angel, decided to separate from me four months after he left. Up to know I still can’t resolve to myself how could an angel break my heart. Yes, an angel. I even named him after an archangel.
Miserable Me
After he dumped me (ouch! – OUCH!), my beautiful dreams were hammered down to pieces, like crystals. I had difficulty breathing and carried it for months. I would stare at books but read nothing, I was thinking of him. I stare outside my window and wonder 
if flying would make me feel better (that means jumping from the 17th floor down). No I didn’t want to commit suicide, I wanted to fly. Please take note of the difference. One time my boss came to my office and asked if I was okay. He must have seen me cry. I started to become more self-criticizing which was not helpful at that moment. I was bitter. I blamed myself.
It took painful months until I could slowly build myself up again amidst the bitterness. I tried everything I could to pick the pieces. I tried to date someone else just to forget angel but it instead placed me in danger.
Phoenix
So I began looking at him in a different angle. Instead of an ex-boyfriend who I loved so much, I looked at him as a young boy. He needed someone for experience – in short, he used me. I started scolding myself based on my own facts. I began to tell myself I will make sure I will improve, become better each day so if ever angel becomes a better person he wouldn’t look down on me because I was miserably in love with him and I couldn’t get out of it. No, I wouldn’t let that happen. Not a boy like him would make a seasoned woman like me look bland. My life doesn’t end because of him. True enough. Bitter.
Since then, all I could do was look at men and gay men. I would only watch love stories of men and gay men and envy them to death. Watching a heterosexual love story makes me feel irritable. For me, they are all a fallacy. I started hating the existence of men flattering women. And I learned sarcasm towards men. Men have belonged to the lower class of creatures.
Apart from watching homosexual movies and hating men I have also turned into a more diligent and studious person. This never happened when I was still a student. I was a weakling then. I studied as much as I can. More than English and Grammar, I have borrowed Biology and History books. I saved pages from the internet about the wars in history and the intriguing people of time. I read about Nero, learned that the first president of United States was John Hanson and not George Washington, I learned many things because I was broken hearted. My brain was happy because my heart was dead.
Life was also good. It gave me experiences and challenging events and students at the workplace to keep me on the ground. I am learning the art of becoming a better teacher and instructor not only to my students but also to myself. I started to build a competition between me and the imaginary expectation of a certain person.
Dressing is also a factor for women trying to recover her dignity after her soul collapsed. I began cross-dressing to feel protected and shielded from men’s eyes. I didn’t want men to notice me. Later on, the cross dressing evolved and I started to look more of a corporate woman instead. This way I looked more confident and defiant.
My characters have changed too. I am no longer afraid to be mean when I mean it, to be selfish so I can be self-sufficient, to be loud so I can be heard, to complain so I can be relieved. The best is, I went back to cursing when I am not in front of my daughter, students and boss. How relieving. I learned to fight back against pain and standards. I did not anymore bother if ever I would be alone because of my changes, it was anyway only a fantasy I made myself believe somebody is with me all through out.
I focused myself into being a teacher and a mother and discovered the woman in me.
I considered possibilities in life like getting a scholarship and enrolling in some classes again, doing some volunteer work and possibly leaving the country to go to Vietnam, Cambodia and other interesting countries someday when my daughter is old enough. I have also looked into rewriting articles for online magazines, going out more often and I stopped being strict on myself. I am here to enjoy life and like what I made clear earlier, my life is not at its end just because an angel broke my heart.
For months now I feel these are the best days of my life and it is obvious that I am happy. I am happy and I could care less for that angel. Until these days…
To be continued...
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