A MISOGAMIST LIVES IN ME

I guess I said it wrong again. As days go I am having this feeling that I am growing weird manifesting more and more detachment from the concept of relationship.

Okay, the background: One respectable person casually spoke to me about something “lucrative” in the work place. I admire his vision and I appreciate it. I really respect him highly. No wonder why I stick around for more than 400 days now. When I learned about his vision, my only response was, “Well, if that is ever gonna happen, I would not consider ever getting married.” From my naïve aggressive response, he couldn’t stop but ask, “How does that make a connection?” So I replied, “If ever I am gonna get a higher income I would no longer consider having a husband.”

I am sure I gave him the wrong impression. Perhaps I am now seen to be a woman who is out there to just marry a rich man. And for heaven’s sake, I am totally not like that. It was just really a joke. Well, a very bad joke.

If money is my reason for marrying, I could have gotten married a long time ago already. Needless to say, I had a few suitors and even relationships with affluent guys. One was even young and highly positioned in an international company. I think that was the main reason why I decided to drift away from that person despite that he was the most perfect on the list. Some people think it was stupid that I made him slip away.

I guess it is time that I admit to myself, despite the denial, that I am a blooming misogamist.There were series of events that lead me to this status. My mother left her 1st husband and children in pursuit of relationship bliss. My father left my mother and us (4 children) in pursuit of the same. Where are they now? After years and both at their 50s, no one has it. I have also heard many stories of marital years, 7 year itch and marital failures. I have experienced them myself, promises, future plans and even couple rings. Yeah, I was there, fell in love and broke my heart.

Right now, I get to think, why was marriage by the way invented? Do people enter such because it’s seemingly the trend in the society? Is getting married, so not to be alone in the future, a must do?

I am happy for people who are enjoying their marriage, and I envy the old couples who are still wearing their wedding rings and are still walking hand in hand together reminiscing their struggles and cuddles in the past while watching their children and grandchildren in the present.
But sometimes, I really wonder why some people still ask me about, “when are you getting married?” or the not-so-comforting comfort “I am sure you will meet a great guy.”. Duh! I really don’t need that.

I know a lot about relationship and how to ideally deal with it. However, they are mostly dogmas, theories that despite many tried only few has sustained it and consequently reached a good stage in their relationship.

Soon it’s Christmas and there will be a reunion. In the upcoming reunion I will be the oldest in the relative who is left unmarried. But it is great to know that I have a daughter who loves me so much. I will again be the object of pity, wonder and silent scorns. But I know somehow, deep inside they feel proud of me for standing my grounds, choosing single parenting to the trend of marriage. And I know, some are even envious of my freedom.

I am really enjoying my life. I love the focus and concentration I have in my job and with parenting. I love to see my improvements in being a TOEFL instructor and being a mother. Gladly, I do not have a boyfriend who would demand time from me. I don’t really have the luxury to sit in front of Adam’s sons to create some fraudulent romantic moods.
Maybe, more than hatred towards marriage and the idea of it is not really the absolute issue for women like me. Perhaps, it’s more of the fear. It’s not easy to walk around pretending that your heart does not bear a scar. It was also kind of expensive to get my heart its plastic surgery to at least minimize the scab.

Okay, maybe someone is really gonna come (and he better be great). No one knows everything for sure. But I am yet to face my issues. It doesn’t mean that I have no man in my life I need one. I am also not marrying because of money, I don’t think so. Perhaps, I am not really the marrying type if not a misogamist. Toast to women like me.

Wednesdays with Mara, Marley and Cerveza Negra

For many months after breaking my heart, I did not go out nor explore the outside world. I lived the very same old, same old lifestyle. My trips were the same every week ; Buhangin – Bajada - Buhangin route for the weekdays and Buhangin – Samal – Bajada – Buhangin routes on the week ends.

After almost 6 months letting my head deal with work and more work, I decided to give up this life. Thanks to Mara for convincing me.

For three consecutive Wednesdays we have gone to MTS, sit on the same table and order the same drink. Now let me introduce my typical Wednesday evening companion and the activities we do in the same place.

Matina Town Square (MTS) may bring me a lot of representations for the memory lane but it t no longer affects me. Thanks to selective amnesia. Fact is, I have brought three boyfriends there in the past eight years that the waiters in Asian Fusion would already know who’s my boyfriend and who’s not on occasions I take a guy there. But this time I am with Mara and Marley so the servers already recognize I am single.

Marley, as I call my constant companion in ups and downs, in sickness and in health, is always accessible. Good thing that this guy never complains as I repeatedly stroke his white and slim body, bang his head on the surface of my watch and burn it to the last puff. I can’t moderate the consumption whenever I am in a laid back moment with chips, cerveza negra, acoustic and loud music accompanied with intellectual intercourse.

Cerveza Negra, the black beer we always order is just perfect for these short stretch. It tastes like wine, smells like wine and costs like a poor man’s wine. It soothes the moment. Because it’s beer, it is a depressant that smoothes and relaxes the monotony. Just like me, because it is black, it is exotic. Take note, n-e-g-r-a. Rings a bell. It reminds me how I was teased by my family way back in elementary because of my color. I have come to love this drink that I am

going to buy myself 3 bottles for my exclusive consumption on Christmas eve.

Mara, my buddy, is a go-girl. We discuss on many things. The discussion ranges from our job to childhood, from organizational skills to considering other endeavors in life and so on and so forth. Sometimes issues in a local showbiz weekly gossip show, The Buzz, becomes a good mesmerizing topic. We just love talking and listening to music. We both appreciate the fact that we are experiencing a laid back life. One thing I like the most is that I can just be me, when I am there, I am not a teacher, I am just a woman. I can curse and talk about discreet issues with Mara, feel Marley, drink Cerveza, laugh loud and sing with the band.

However, last night was different. I did something I can’t remember I have done before. I watched a man in blue short-sleeved polo walked in front of our table. I guess our usual table is a strategic location It is where men usually pass back and forth before and after pee trips.

“That kind of guy is my type.” I told Mara who also tried to stretch her neck to get a glimpse.

“Next time, tell me about it when he is still visually accessible.” She complained and started to gesture her hands like holding a binocular.

The guy was slim, tall and with fair skin. He carries blue color with grace and elegance but maintains a touch of masculinity. His facial features show intelligence blended with romance. Yes, he almost passes my criteria for a “gayish” man. I love that. I love men with a sense of femininity in them. Oh c’mon, I like gays but I have no intentions to have a gay lover. So don’t get confused. I like men with a soft side.

The guy was three tables from us and was with a guy. But I didn’t bother to go and ask for a number. No, I am not as bold as that or should I rephrase that – No, I am not as desperate as that. So I let the guy be, safe from me in a safe distance.

I wore a smile realizing that I have finally recovered my eyesight, the visual capacity to look at guys whether my type or not. Perhaps my recent “relationship” damaged my vision and its scope of periphery.

Afterwards, I walked to the comfort room, this time with a change. Instead of walking heavy, I walked with elegance and a little strut to show off confidence. I still celebrate winning my confidence back. And I know, there’ll be more MTS, marley, cerveza negra with Mara. Of course, there’ll be more men-watching and struts on the way to the private room.

This is great. This is womanhood. I love it.

PARADIGM SHIFT

I am so glad I am free. I am so glad I am open. I am so glad I am me.

@Thanks for breaking up with me. Because if you didn't I wouldn't know there is a better person in me. I can't thank you enough.




@Thanks for coming to me every day even if it was irritating, now I know what you mean. And I feel I am a better instructor. Thanks for encouraging patience.

@Thanks for telling me your limitations. Wow, you are one great student. You are becoming my favorite. In fact, you are a clever one (unlike what you said). Thanks, my experience with you is very enriching. I am so glad for this opportunity to have you as a student.

"it feels really wonderful...thanks to you guys!!!"

You…I miss you.

It’s been a tough week.

I’ve felt again that my efforts were not even half of what’s good enough.

I’ve heard dissatisfactions and I find it difficult to digest, to accept.

You and I both know that I am not a poodle.

A thinking being, critical of almost anything that concerns me, that’s who I am.

Sometimes you criticize me for being too rational; I explain my feelings.

I didn’t even have to try to be a woman in front of you. You were amused of the fact that there was a child in me that only you could see. But there was also a woman in me that only you could touch.

You weren’t really jealous but you were protective.

There were times you knew I was in trouble, you would ask me if I am scared, I’d tell you “Of course not.”

It was only because I knew I had you.

Perhaps, as a person matures and becomes more emotionally stable, fear becomes a part of being human, it’s no longer a threat.

Here I am, suddenly missing you. Years have changed me. Experiences have honed me.

You’ll notice many things different in me, perhaps you won’t even recognize. Everybody sees the woman in me and almost none from the child. Aaah, only the deserving man will see the child in me, the real me and will be allowed to touch the woman you see.

Fear when constant is no longer fear, they are realistic woes, I believe. I have them because I am aware of my responsibilities. If you’d ask me, I am not really scared. I am hurt.

WHO NEEDS A LOVER??????

I am single. To be exact, I am a single mother.

No husband. No boyfriend. No lover. CLEAR.

My daughter and I sleep together on the week ends when I finally get to go home in our ancestral home in the island.

Last week, it was almost dawn, my daughter and I woke up at the same time because we both felt cold. It was raining through the night. We decided to use my blanket together because it is bigger and thicker. She always wants us to share a blanket.

When we went back to sleep, she placed one arm under my neck and the other was on my chest. We slept side by side. I was rubbing her arm to calm her down and she went back to slumber peacefully. As I was rubbing her arm, I realized how sweet and loving we are to each other. I then said to myself, "who needs a lover?". I believe this what makes me survive the hectic schedules and brain whacking demands from teaching back in the city. The pressures and the stress becomes a thing of the past whenever I am with my daughter.

I may not have a "somebody" that is wished by Depeche Mode in their song with the same title but I have a daughter who fills me with so much love. Boy, am I so lucky!!!!!

Evolution…a better definition to change and growth.

There’s only one type of stress in my life that I couldn’t really handle when it comes crashing me. Fortunately, it is also the easiest one to recognize and to find remedy. This stress is caused by situations when I already feel that I am not improving despite that I am pushing myself to improve my surrounding. I guess this is inevitable when a person is at this age.

Before proceeding this dissertation, I’d take this chance of explaining why one can’t proceed directly viewing this blog. It is not really a crucial change because I am not really someone who is so important that my thoughts would make relevance to other people’s lives. But, I’d like to emphasize that the change taking place at the moment is my change and so the blog and its content will also follow the same.

Now, I recognize what causes most of my rants. When you are at the age of 25 to 35, you want everything as much as possible stable. You don’t want anything to keep changing and changing because you don’t want to spend your time rearranging and modifying plans. It’s not about the fear of failure but it’s the fear of spending time in useless and hollow stuff. This is not the time when you can allow irreparable damages to happen.

This I believe is the beginning of a golden age for a woman like me. This stage is the time I know everything is my own; my decision, my hardwork, my money and my investment. Thus, it follows; my decision, my achievement and my mistakes, consequently my solution. It’s lovely, it gives a sense of power of which is very important for productive and pro-active people.

I am a mother, a teacher and a woman. These are my careers. I am an evolution of a child’s dream. Way back in my childhood and teenage hood, I dreamt of this feeling, that everything I do is meaningful, a contribution to something. As a single mother, I contribute to my child as she is also growing up and someday will become a person of her own life. As a teacher and a member of a growing company, I dedicate my hard work to develop my students, encourage and empower them to achieve whatever their goal in life. I am responsible for I am a part of a stepping stone for my students and the company. These in turn becomes a big part of my womanhood. As a woman, I am a growing being that keeps learning and from every lesson I reap adds an inch to that growth.

I have figured out that womanhood is not about looking good, smelling nice and coming out admirable for men. Womanhood is not even having a husband or a boyfriend, it is about going through the familiar and unfamiliar and gaining knowledge from experience. All these fuels confidence that makes a woman feel worthy of who and what she is.

To make this short, I’d like to declare that as I have conquered another critical level of stress, I am once more empowered and comes out confident that what I have is a meaningful life. Above all, I intend to live my golden age of freedom in bliss with these careers; as a mother, a teacher and a woman.

STRESS LEVEL CRITICAL!!!

Whoa!!!!

This is no longer something to be ignored. It must be my computer that runs slow on times I need it to perform fast or maybe it's because I need to know how more I can improve my skills. I know I am not anymore doing well, as smoothly as I did. At this age, everything should be planned, should be well organized for unpredictable circumstances has to be managed well.

Maybe, it is also because someone is lying to himself, or if he is'nt maybe I am the one who isn't enforcing anything. Well, I know for sure, I was always told about two things in life; the ones under my control and the ones that are not in my control. The only thing in my perimeter, the one I can change is myself. This is so sad.

Stress level...uh! CRITICAL!!!