A MISOGAMIST LIVES IN ME

I guess I said it wrong again. As days go I am having this feeling that I am growing weird manifesting more and more detachment from the concept of relationship.

Okay, the background: One respectable person casually spoke to me about something “lucrative” in the work place. I admire his vision and I appreciate it. I really respect him highly. No wonder why I stick around for more than 400 days now. When I learned about his vision, my only response was, “Well, if that is ever gonna happen, I would not consider ever getting married.” From my naïve aggressive response, he couldn’t stop but ask, “How does that make a connection?” So I replied, “If ever I am gonna get a higher income I would no longer consider having a husband.”

I am sure I gave him the wrong impression. Perhaps I am now seen to be a woman who is out there to just marry a rich man. And for heaven’s sake, I am totally not like that. It was just really a joke. Well, a very bad joke.

If money is my reason for marrying, I could have gotten married a long time ago already. Needless to say, I had a few suitors and even relationships with affluent guys. One was even young and highly positioned in an international company. I think that was the main reason why I decided to drift away from that person despite that he was the most perfect on the list. Some people think it was stupid that I made him slip away.

I guess it is time that I admit to myself, despite the denial, that I am a blooming misogamist.There were series of events that lead me to this status. My mother left her 1st husband and children in pursuit of relationship bliss. My father left my mother and us (4 children) in pursuit of the same. Where are they now? After years and both at their 50s, no one has it. I have also heard many stories of marital years, 7 year itch and marital failures. I have experienced them myself, promises, future plans and even couple rings. Yeah, I was there, fell in love and broke my heart.

Right now, I get to think, why was marriage by the way invented? Do people enter such because it’s seemingly the trend in the society? Is getting married, so not to be alone in the future, a must do?

I am happy for people who are enjoying their marriage, and I envy the old couples who are still wearing their wedding rings and are still walking hand in hand together reminiscing their struggles and cuddles in the past while watching their children and grandchildren in the present.
But sometimes, I really wonder why some people still ask me about, “when are you getting married?” or the not-so-comforting comfort “I am sure you will meet a great guy.”. Duh! I really don’t need that.

I know a lot about relationship and how to ideally deal with it. However, they are mostly dogmas, theories that despite many tried only few has sustained it and consequently reached a good stage in their relationship.

Soon it’s Christmas and there will be a reunion. In the upcoming reunion I will be the oldest in the relative who is left unmarried. But it is great to know that I have a daughter who loves me so much. I will again be the object of pity, wonder and silent scorns. But I know somehow, deep inside they feel proud of me for standing my grounds, choosing single parenting to the trend of marriage. And I know, some are even envious of my freedom.

I am really enjoying my life. I love the focus and concentration I have in my job and with parenting. I love to see my improvements in being a TOEFL instructor and being a mother. Gladly, I do not have a boyfriend who would demand time from me. I don’t really have the luxury to sit in front of Adam’s sons to create some fraudulent romantic moods.
Maybe, more than hatred towards marriage and the idea of it is not really the absolute issue for women like me. Perhaps, it’s more of the fear. It’s not easy to walk around pretending that your heart does not bear a scar. It was also kind of expensive to get my heart its plastic surgery to at least minimize the scab.

Okay, maybe someone is really gonna come (and he better be great). No one knows everything for sure. But I am yet to face my issues. It doesn’t mean that I have no man in my life I need one. I am also not marrying because of money, I don’t think so. Perhaps, I am not really the marrying type if not a misogamist. Toast to women like me.